Thursday, December 24, 2009

Bah Humbug

This is the worst part of the year for me sometimes. This is the time when the fanatics get extra fanatical and the hypocrites give and then get mad about it privately. They feel they must give because of an obligation to religion or tradition or whatever reason they have.

I don't need a reason to give. I don't need a reason to live. I don't need to keep searching for something that can't be proven, wasting my life and in the end wondering where my life went.

I like the spirit of Christmas, but not what it stands for. Why can't we have this spirit all year long and for no reason at all? Why do we have to celebrate a mans birthday, who was born in March, in December?

Why can't family get together all year long? Most families hate each other. At least all of the ones I have ever known with out exception. I just had to get this out.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

No time for everything I want to do....

Life is short for someone like me and there is never enough time to do everything I want to do. I have so many things I love; music (especially music), movies, reading (something that is necessary for humans to exercise the mind), playing games, designing grafix and even writing. I started my blog just to write down how I am feeling and maybe express some of my views and yet writing is really at the bottom of the list and I don't even have time for all the things higher on the list.

Life is hard for many people and always has been and always will be, but it is especially hard for people in the U.S. right now and especially a normal person like me with a criminal record. The simple facts are that 1/100 men in the U.S. have been to prison and even more than that have a criminal record because of the vast amount of ignorant laws of stupid things that old people set. We really only need maybe 25% (estimation) of existing laws. We fill our prisons up with people at the expense of tax payers with mostly people who are not felonious evil people and yet for some reason people assume that if you have been arrested or in prison that you must be a bad person. That is ridiculous. Most people in prison are not crazed killers or evil. As a matter of fact, most people in prison have compassion and love for their family and friends and many are highly intelligent. I will not sit and argue about who needs to be in prison. In my opinion the only people who deserve prison are sick child molesters, sex offenders and people who kill people with out a good reason. And yes, there are good reasons to kill someone. If a man molested my child not only would I kill him, but I would torture him for many days and I would feel that I did the right thing and any good father feels the same as I do.

The unemployment rate in the U.S. is skyrocketing. My state has one of the highest rates in the U.S. and my city has the one of the highest if not the highest rate in the state and business are still laying more and more people everyday. It is hard enough for a perfect citizen to get a job let alone a person like me who has made mistakes in their life. People say to go to the cities to find work that there has to be work there, but for one thing that is what many people do and now they are flooding the cities with people looking for work and the jobs are rare there now as well. And we don't all know someone in the cities to move there. Here I have a place to lay my head at night and (some) food in my belly. If there ever comes a time that I am homeless then maybe I will go be homeless in Chicago. I get tired of hearing people who are lucky enough to have a job complain about going to work. You don't want to work? Give me your job I will gladly take it. If you want a job at McDonalds nowadays (at least where I am from) you have to be a teenager who is willing to work only 16 hours a week and get sent home early

I have spent so much time since the bad economy started failing focusing on my graphic design so that when the economy does start to pick back up I can will have a great portfolio if show when I try to get work. It has been growing and growing and every piece I do gets better and better. I am proud of my work and there are many people who love my work and want work from me, but no one can afford even the cheapest work. Foreigners (and some from the U.S.) who want work that I do just go to freelance sites where an Indian from India will do a $120 piece for $5. These people will spend a 3, 4 sometimes 5 days working on something for $5. $5? In the U.S. $5 doesn't get you much at all. In India they can feed their families with it. Even if I take the job, most of the time they have 4 other people working on it and then I am not even guaranteed that I will get paid for the work.

Anyway this is my situation lately. I haven't been around here because I spend most of my time designing grafix and if you care to see my portfolio the please click the button below and be sure to comment and tell me what you think.

A few of my latest pieces:




Click button below to view my 4 page portfolio:

Friday, August 14, 2009

New grafix...

I havn't really had time to really blog in a long time. Photoshop and now Cinema 4D have taken up alot of my time and the results are just great I think. I still have ways to go before I get famous making the next Shrek movie, but I am getting there. I meant to start this blog as my own personal journal and I did write for a short while, but not much in the last few months. Just been using it for Dneero.

Most of my grafix are posted in my portfolio at my grafix website: New Pride Grafix Portfolio, but I figured I'd pst a few here. This is some of my latest Photoshop work:

and the only 3D Animation I have ever done (just learning):

I'll start writing on here more soon... I hope.

Check out my website to see a whole lot more....

Sunday, May 24, 2009


I am all about free information and other free things and so I want to let people know about the wonderful world of proxy (for those of you who don't already know). Proxy is faking the server that hosts the web page you are viewing into bleieving it is from a differnt place/country and have of that countries IP adresses.

Really what it does is read server requests and throws anything it doesn't want to see out. It shreds it up and does not forward it. It acts like a server in the first place wherever the proxy ip number is located.

Take for example a certian television channel in England will not let me watch shows on it's site because it blocks people from countries ip adresses from viewing. I then go to and select one of free proxy addresses and ports numbers from the list and then go to your internet browsers settings and enter the information. It is in different places in different browsers. So here are short tutorials on how it's done:

Click Tools>Preferences>Advanced>Network. Click the Proxy Servers tab and then check the HTTP checkmark box and then enter whatever ip adress you will use from the free proxy page. Enter the port number given on the free pages as well and click OK. You should the be able to watch any video or get on any website in that country.

Click Tools>Options>Advance>Network in the connection bubble click Settings. Check the Manual proxy configuration radio button and enter the information.

Click Tools>Internet Options>Connections, click the LAN Settings button and the checkmark the only option in the Proxy server bubble. Ente rthe information and click OK.

Note: You're lucky I wrote that because I am anti IE, lol.
If you want one written for a different browser then just comment and I will add it.

Spread the word.

New Dneero:

Friday, May 22, 2009

More reviews...

I have been away from writing for a while and way from writing reviews especially. I am good at writing not only because I am highly intelligent, but also because I understand language and how to speak, but I haet the time it takes. I am an active person whether it be designing graphics, websites, watching movies or playing video games and writing can consume that time if it is done right.

I watched two movies this last week that actually put me in the mood to write reviews at Ciao and Dooyoo. Those two movies were "Hancock" and "Outlander", which are both good movies.

"Hancock" was a pleasant surprise as I wasn't expecting much from it and it turned out a whole lot better and different than I am imagined. I am a somewhat Will Smith fan... I grew up laughing my ass off watching The Fresh Prince and he turned out to be a decent actor. It is more his friendly charismatic personality that draws people in than anything elose, but he has proved himself to me time and time againwith his acting abilities. I somewawht liked Min In Black, but that doesn't show his ability. He proved himself greatly in movies like "I Am Legend" and especially "7 Pounds". "Hancock" goes more along the lines of his special effects movies, but added a more compelling element and was quite interesting actually.

"Outlander" is one of the best movies I have seen so far this year and I was quite intrigued. I won't go into much detail here, only that it was somewaht original mix of Sci-Fi/Fantasy/Horror, btu not like much that I have ever seen.

If you would like to read those 2 reviews then please visit my profile and Ciao:
I hope you enjoy!

Friday, April 10, 2009

Diamonds at Ciao

I have been writing at since October of 2008 and when I first started there where many real writers there. Now there are many cheaters there who either plagiarize, spam or churn out hundreds of nonsense reviews on a daily basis. A consumer product review site is about the experience and opinion of a product that the writer has used and/or owns. It should be more about what you did with the product and what you thought was good and bad about it than the specifications and what the products company says it can do. It is our analysis from our standpoint. Unfortunately many people that don't even speak English come to the site and start writing editorial reviews just stating what the product is and what it can do because they go tot the products website and research it just so they can make a quick buck. They don't write their opinion because they don't have one.

Having said this, in the recent past it has been hard for the real writers to be recognized because these idiots flood the site and start clicking cartels where they give each other endless exceptional ratings and the real writers have been partially passed by and not recognized. We are working hard to get these people out, reporting plagiarists and nonsense reviews and I think it is paying off. In the last 3 months i have recieved two diamond awards for two of my reviews and I am thankful they were noticed. My "Prying" review I actually almost expected a diamond because it is just genius and I was actually impressed with myself on that one and it is hard to impress myself. But my last diamond was awarded to a review that I never thought would have been recognized because it was not some long epic novel. After rereading my review I realized that it was the content and style of writing that I on the award for. I tend underestimate myself at times because I set higher standards for myself, but I do know that I am a skilled writer even though I actually hate writing.

I am grateful to Ciao for their hard work and time trying to get rid of the crap writers and for recognizing those of us who deserve recognition and I am thankful to my friends at Ciao who have helped me in this battle and who appreciate my writing skills. Thank you.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Up in arms

Was reading reviews at Ciao today and read a review of one of my favorite older albums from Foo Fighters called "The colour and the shape". I hadn't listened to it in a couple of years and downloaded it and remembered some of my favorite songs of all times are on this album. "Up in arms" is one of those and is now my backround song for this blog. Hope you like it.

The song is short, about 2 minutes and 15 seconds. The first 1/3 of the song is slow and soft and the it speeds up to a good melody.

I am usually pretty good at evaluating and interpreting songs and music as anyone who reads my albums reviews at Ciao knows, but I have always had trouble understanding this song. Here are the lyrics:

"Up in arms" - Foo Fighters

The rain is here and you, my dear,
Are still my friend
It's true the two of us are back as one again
I was the one who left you
Always coming back I cannot forget you girl
Now I am up in arms again
Together now I don't know how this love could end
My lonely heart it falls apart again
For you to mend
I was the one who left you
Always coming back I cannot forget you girl
Now I am up in arms again

On one hand "Up in arms" means being on the defense. It means getting your gun and being ready for anything ot happen. On the other hand this song sounds like he is in her arms again and he shouldn't have left her in the first place. I don't know. Maybe he is on defense to not lose her again, but it was his fault for leaving her in the first place. Please tell me what you think.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hmm, went to my first appointment at a psychiatrist today. I am not crazy; at least I don't think I am, I am just an extremely emotional person who has had trouble controlling my temper in my distant past. I tend to be very defensive and I don't take shit from anyone and I am quick to put someone in their place if they get out of line with me. I have been around criminals and evil people my whole life and I never really wanted to be like any of them, but sometimes you have to conform to the ways of those around you if you want to survive in your environment. Can't really just get up and leave, I really have no where to go that isn't the same sort of environment. People who ask me why I don't leave don't realize that it isn't so simple. Some people don't have alot of options. So we do what we have to do to get along.

I have been very violent in my life, especially when I was a kid. The majority of it was protecting myself, but some of it I enjoyed when beating the shit out of some smart ass who started talking shit to me for no reason. I havn't been violent in the last 5 years ago because I stay away from people. I am not so much anti-social as I am intolerant to ignorance and stupity. I like alot of people, but most of them are people I have met online. It almost seems not real sometimes. I get on here and meet pleasant, loving and caring people and it is something I am not used to and something you don't see in most parts of the world so it tends to seem unbelievable at times and I have to remind myself constantly that it is real. I know there are good people out there. I tell myself that and it gives me some sort of hope at times. It doesn't help my everyday real life, where most people outside my door are scandalous and conniving and will rob you just because they can.

So I have started to go to a psychiatrist hoping that they can do something. I have never believed in school trained therapists. I understand the human psyche far better than anyone who is from the suburbs who has never had to deal with real people. Sorry if you think I am wrong, but when living in the ghetto you see what is real. You see the depths of the best and worst of people. In the suburbs most people mask there real feelings to conform to what other people want them to be so that they keep their environment nice and safe, but in the ghetto there is no need for masks. People are real. The masks that they do have are temporary and for short scandals, but it doesn't last long. In the suburbs it lasts lifetimes. Having said all this I am trying to see if there is a psychiatrist out there who is a natural therapist and not just school trained. There is nothing they have learned in any book that they can tell me or do to help me. These people have to be real and they have to truly understand what I am going through to actually help me get better. I am giving them a chance, which is something I would have never done before, but I am getting to a point in my life where I don't know how much longer I can hold on and I am desperate to get help. I am begging for someone to understand and help me be happy and love other people.

I don't like being alone. I am not completely alone, I have a few people online who love me and care about me, but they are not right here where I need them to be. I don't know why I am writing this other than I need to get these things off of my chest.

They diagnosed me today with Dysthymic Disorder, which you can read about here: They are somewhat close. I think the lady I seen was a bit geniune. It just may be too early to do a real diagnosis though. I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar before.

The only thing that keeps me sane and somewhat on track and out of trouble is my high IQ and my intellectual capacity to want to learn and want to be right in the head. I have an iron will; otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago.

Well, only time will tell what will happen and I have another appointment next Monday so we will see how that goes.

Friday, March 13, 2009


Life has been boring for me lately. I am spending alot of time trying to hone my web and graphic design skills and I am getting burn out, but I can't slow down. There is always something I need to do; something I need to learn. Really it is my OCD that makes go non stop. I start to learn on ething and then I see 3 more things I want to learn while learning the first thing and so I write them down and when I am done learning the first thing I just have to go and learn the other three things. The problem is when I get into the next thing I find even more stuff I want to learn and so I write those things down and just have to go learn them. It is a snever ending cycle. On one hand I love it. I love to learn everything. I hate not knowing something and it makes me feel good to learn. On the other hand I hate it. I am never satisfied with how much I know and I will never be. It also makes me arrogant at times and I am rude to people who aren't so intelligent. I don't try to be that way, but I get annoyed by people when they don't know some things that are quite basic to me and they have know idea what I am talking about and it is quite frustrating.

I am bored because nothing surprises me or is amazing to me. I understand everything I see woithout even trying and I can imagine anything. Some people think that is a curse because it doesn't excite me to be alive. I find nothing special about humans, this planet or even the universe. It may be because I understand things in a broader aspect than most others, I don't know. The only thing that has ever really excited me or amazed me in life is music and even it has lessened its affect on me. I understand music all too well now as anyone who reads my reviews at Ciao knows. I get short amounts of pleasure from playing video games, but soo get bored with those too.

I need something to get excited about. The things that most people get excited about are way too simple for me. My girl is always loving me and then hating me and it seems like for no reason at all. She hates me at the moment because I won't give her 100% of my time and I just can't do that. Beside's, she is 8000 miles away. No matter, she went to Qatar to a new job and I won't talk to her much from now on. I don't know if it is going to work and we are always splitting up so it is like we are not even together anymore. I need something in my life, anything at all.

Maybe I am just depressed. Wait, no I am always depressed. I know that I am not amazed by things, but I can always find enjoyable way to occupy my time, but lately it just isn't satisfying. I don't know what to do. I am not the suicidal type, although I do tend to talk shit to some of the most dangerous people in the state of Illinois and they just let me live. I think most of them just think I am a crazy guy and they respect me for that or they think I am not worth their energy to have me killed. Makes me think I am invincible at times. Sometimes I just don't care. If I die, I die; if I live, I live. Doesn't really matter to anyone. We are all just grains of sand in a vast ocean of a never ending spiral. Spiral out. Keep on going...

Hmmm... This is what happens when I think about writing. I write because I hate to write so I do it to perfect myself. If you can do something you hate and have trouble with and you can do it very well then you can conquer anything. I am a perfectionist and hate not being able to do something so I just keep doing it utnil I have it just perfect. I will never have writing perfect since it is an art and not a science and can never be perfect. Guess I'll be writing forever then...

I have never been the type of person to be bored ever in my life until now. I have always found something enjoyable to do no matter where I was. Even when I was in prison I could always find something to do to enjoy my time. I would read, watch my t.v. and listen to my walkman and the days just seemed to fly by. 2 years in prison just felt like 2 months...

I am still bored. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this much. I would be eager to get to doing something else, but it isn't the case so i keep blabbering on... Maybe I'll feel better soon. Maybe I'll get a job... LOL yeah right like that will happen in the U.S. with another 1000 lay offs scheduled in my city in the next 2 months.

Friday, February 20, 2009

GIMP and my graphic design.

Ok people I have have been trying to learn more graphic design and perfect the skills I already have. Most graphics on this blog are mine except for the background, which is the superb artwork of Alex Grey. There is an infinite array of possibilities with graphic programs as there are thousands of effects and inside each effect are thousands of settings. Add and infinite amount of layers and do the multiplication and you can fathom the possibilities.

I use GIMP because it is free and because Adobe installer won't work on my computer (a problems thousands of people seemed to have had over the years). GIMP stands for GNU Image Manipulation Program and I won't go into what GNU is because I only know a little about it at this time, but it is a worthy competitor and adversary of Adobe Photoshop and Corel Draw and because it is free it is much better. There are many tutorials and forums on the internet to teach you how to use the program and a complete user hand guide, which I have in pdf format. There are too many things too do with this program so none of us will ever know how to do everything with this program, but users like me are kind enough to teach their tricks and skills on these forums, blogs and websites and I will list some of these places here:

Get the latest version of GIMP here:

Make Gimp look and work like Photoshop with Gimpshop:

Find cool plugins and scripts at the GIMP registry and forum here:

Here is my first Gimp tutorial site where you can learn cool tricks and make some of your own when you think you know what you are doin, lol:

Another cool GIMP forum with tutorials in forum posts:

A couple of blogs with tutorials:

There are many more, but these are my main ones I go to. I also have a few trick of my own and will eventually start a blog dedicated to GIMP tutorials. Today I spent half the day just messing around with a few random tricks I learned and some I just figured out on my own. In the image I will show you below the lightning bolts are the newest trick I learned and I am still trying to perfect it. Here's is what I did today:

If you like what you see then please let me know what you think by leaving your comment.

Thursday, February 19, 2009


I have been with a consumer product review site called almost from the beginning, maybe a month after they started. They had problems almost from the beginning and I have stuck up for them. They paid me. That is what gave me confidence that they would improve all of these problems. I have had patience and now it is dwindling. They implemented a new system days, a week at the most before the pay period and of course it had to have all kinds of bugs and so I had to bitch about it to be able to get paid. I am too pissed to go into detail about what has happened, I just want top say that I am tired of being patient with CBU. That have turned down some of my reviews too and even my worst ones are better than the average best there. I am not trying to say this to be arrogant I am just saying that I writing very helpful pertinent reviews and I am starting to understand some of these people who are good writers about why they are frustrated and angry.

I am frustrated because I have been in an argument with a women at and she keeps arguing with me. Myabe I shouldn't argue back, but she is so wrong and if people start to listen to her people may start believer her because she is a good talker. That's all she is. She is evil. The bottom line is she is trying to make the point that it is Americans fault why we are going into a major depression, but that it is alright that people who want to make money and rich people to feed on the common persons stupidty, hopes and dreams to make a quick buck. She keeps telling me that if people are too stupid to not understand economics or how to pay their bills the right way, then they don't deserve to own their own home. She keeps telling me that if people aren't smart enough to have more than one skill then it is their fault if they lost their jobs and can't find another.

That is pure EVIL. I am am a very intelligent person, but I understand that not everyone can be so. People live different lives and go through different situations and don't always gain the right tools they need to make it in life. I myself never had anyone tell me that I should learn skills or go to school when I was a kid. I lived in the ghetto and the only thing I knew was gang banging and drug dealing. That never stopped me from being inquisitive and curious and wanting to learn, but it certainly stopped me from knowing that I needed more skills in order to make it in the world. Not many people I ever knew actually had a real job. I am 31 and just now leaning web and graphic design trying to gain new skills.

This is this stupid bitches statement "If people get laid off because they only have one marketable skill then they deserve to loose their job". ? How evil is that? To wish bad things upon people. Here is something else she said "If people are stupid enough to put all their money in equities then they deserve to loose it all". ? So she is saying that if a not so intelligent person takes the advice of a financial advisor or their well meant peers to invest in a hone or other equity and they lose their money then they deserved it. How evil can that be. She was also saying that it is alright for smart people to take advantage of dumb people.

You can not blame individual people for mass problems, especially when those mass problems are started by people with money. This is fact! They take advantage of peoples hopes and dreams and then blame them when they can't pay for it. These institutions know that people won't be able to pay their payments and high interest rates and they give them credit and mortgages anyway.

I don't know the solution and I don't believe the most intelligent pragmatists do either. What I do know is that we should top going around blaming individual people for our problems. Even as I sit here and blame republicans and I rich people I know I shouldn't blame them either. Blaming doesn't help anyone. We need stop being enemies with each other and start to help each other. Evil people like her have no place in this world and we can not feed her ignorance.

I am frustrated. I will get over it and then it will start up again and I will get angry again. I don't know what to do....

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


Today is a much better day the more recent days have been to me even though I am still depressed and I feel like shit I am in a much better mood for some reason. Last night I didn't feel good either, but I was in a very inspired mood and I have made a bunch of plans for many articles and book possibilities in the future. I am quite excited by the ideas I have been having and keep writing more and more ideas down.

Organization is going to be a problem though and it may take me years before I even have a rough draft of just one book, but I am determined ot do this. I want to write a bunch of series sort of like "Learning for dummies", but there will be levels like 'Beginner', 'Intermediate' and 'Advanced' and I will call it something better to not belittle people like the dummies books do.

I am going to write a bunch of articles and eventually expand on those into these books. I plan to right how to learn the basic computer functions that will help you do everything you need to do on a computer and make it much easier and efficient so that you can pay more attention to what you are learning than how to even use a computer.

I will write books on learning how to think. How to organize your thoughts and how to make it easier to learn. it doesn't have to be hard even for a layman. I have all sorts of ideas and I can keep writing about them all day, but that would be pointless here.

I get my Federal income tax return anyday now andI will be getting my new computer. I know it is getting close so that puts me in a better mood. I have missed playing Call of Duty 4 so much and other video games. I work on here alot, but I like to play sometimes. I like to play alot of different types of games to like MMORPGS and FPS's. I really don't have a preferred genre. Well, enough rambling for today see you all tomorrow.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

OMG, I feel like such a dumb ass. Yesterday I was so upset and in a bad mood because I thought I had lost my mp3 player. I had stuck it in my coat pocket while running for the bus and when I went to get it out yesterday it was gone. My coat pockets have holes in them and so when I put things in them they go inside my coat. Well I had searched all through the bottom of my coat and couldn't find it.

After some pouting and t.v. watching last night I pick up my coat again and searched again. Still nothing. I laid the coat down next to me again on the bed and started watching t.v. again. While moving around getting comfortable I layed my arm on the arm of my coat and felt a little bump that I thought shouldn't be there down by the cuff. It was very curious to me so I then stuck my hand inside my pocket, up the inside of my coat and then into the arm and down towards the cuff and what do you know, there was my mp3 player!

I felt so stupid that I had made such a fuss. I really would have been devastated if I had lost it though. Music is so important to me and my mood. It really gets me through everyday and I am listening to it right now of course. I wrote a new review at Ciao and it is pretty much receiving all "exceptional" ratings with the exception of just a few very "very helpfuls". My girlfriend is mad at me, but I hope she'll get over it soon as she knows I love her and I am on her side. Hopefully the rest of my day will turn out just fine.


AHHHHHHHHH! Today has been a very bad day for me. Firstof all, of all I don't feel well and anyone who knows me knows why, but today is one of my worse days. I havn't told my girl because she will get all worried and I don't want her to.

I go to the local Good Samaritan Inn in my city to eat lunch everyday because I am one of those many people in the U.S. that doesn't have a job because of the economy and the fact the more that 2,500 have been laid off from their jobs in the last 3 months in my city alone. Today I went to eat and on my way home I had to run to the bus station because the busses were getting ready to leave and so I shoved my mp3 player into my pocket because I didn't have time to fiddle with it. I was tired when I got home because I had been up all night writing reviews online (a Helium article as well) so I went to bed. This evening when I woke up I went to get my mp3 player out of my coat pocket and it was gone! Needless to say I am pissed.

I am pissed at myself because I know better that I should pay attention to what I am doing. I am a perfectionist and I always pay attention to every little minute detail and because of my sickness I have been slipping as of late. I a pissed because music is one of the few things (other than my girl) in my life that ever really makes me enjoy life. I am not in awe by the universe or people and nothing really impresses me besides music and most art. I am impressed by some intellectualism, but people like us are few and far between anymore. Now I have lost one of the few things that makes me happy and I have no way to get a new one.

I have money coming soon form my tax refund, but it is spent already. I have to buy a computer, for the ability to make more money of course, and the rest is going to my mom since we are poor and I just can't live off of her for free. She understands my plight of course and respects me because I do work hard at what I can do online. I don't know what to do. I meed my music and I need an mp3 player. I am pretty much screwed.

Don't get me wrong people, I am not whining. I have had hardships most of my life, but music is very important to me. Once I get my new computer I will be able to listen to music through my pc in my headphones, but I need music even more when I go out and ride the bus. I am just sad is all. I'll get over it, life goes on...

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Helping people learn.

I love to help people learn because people have always been kind enough to help me learn and so I feel good when I pay it back (or pay it forward really). It is great when I find people who are inquisitive and smart enough to know that asking a question is the only way to learn anything. There is no such thing as a stupid question and we should keep asking the same question over and over again until we feel we truly understand it.

I have a wealth of knowledge in my brain and unlike most people my brain is no where near cramped and I can just keep learning more and more everyday, which I do. I love to pass on all the information I can to anyone who is will to listen. If I don't know something that someone asks me then I go figure it out. There are so many free learning resources in the world today that it really takes no effort.

I am usually quite patient with people when I teach them things and I understand that not everyone learns the same way. Some people are smart, they just understand things differently. On occasion I do get frustrated with teaching though and today for a short instance was one of those times. I was helping an older friend how to copy and paste (don't laugh) and this is like the 3rd time I have tried to explain it to her. She asked me this morning and it was then that I got frustrated and almost didn't help her, but I refuse to give up on anyone. I also don't like to fail at anything either so I quickly bottled my frustration and tried to put it into the most simplest of terms and explained it step by step. She has had trouble in the past even copying a web address and pasting it into a browser so I couldn't even direct her to a video tutorial, which is much better at explaining to people how to do things. So I told her step by step hot to hold the left click button and drag the mouse across the text until all of the text was highlighted and then right click to bring up the menu and click copy to bring it into the clipboard and then go up to the address bar and right click to bring up the menu again and click paste and then hit enter. The address took her to a video tutorial to better explain to her what I was showing her. She finally figured it out!

It made me feel good to help her and she messaged me back thanking me. This is one of the most basic functions on a computer that is really necessary to do almost everything and I have opened whole new doors for her. i now have a feeling that there will be a multitude of questions from her and I am up to the challenge. Now that she can copy and paste it should be easy now!

Saturday, February 14, 2009

Depressed on Valentines day.

I have been very depressed today. It is Valentines day and I am in a long distance relationship with a beautiful, intelligent and caring woman from the Philippines and so I can't kiss her or hold her and it is making me very upset. I don't know why. It is frustrating most days anyway, but for some reason because it is a holiday it is reminding me of what I am missing.

I am a person who really doesn't believe Valentines Day is a real holiday because we should celebrate our love for our partner everyday of the year. I guess I am saying everyday should be Valentines Day. It is just a commercialized way to exploit money from people for something that should already be celebrated without having to spend money. Do we need to be reminded that we love someone? If we do then we truly don't love that person.

Some people might wonder why I am with my girl. She is on the other side of the planet in the Philippines and I am in Decatur, Illinois, over 8000 miles away. I will not be able to be with her for another 2 years. What's even crazier is that we are two totally different kinds of people with totally different personalities. Through all this I love her more than anyone I have ever loved in my life. I know she loves me for various reasons that only me and her know about. For me I love the fact that she is kind, caring, completely genuine, beautiful, sexy and incredibly intelligent.

All of the American women I have been with are evil, scandalous or just plain dumb. Most women here care about if you have a car or how much money you make. It is so sad how superficial most women are here. There may be good faithful women here and there may be women here who are not superficial, but I haven't met many. The ones I have met either aren't attracted to me or I don't know what the problem is. I don't drive I think is the biggest problem and I choose not to and if they don't like it then screw them. I am not going to change something that is an important part of my life just to be with someone. I may drive one day (I do know how), but it will be because I have got old and lazy and don't want to walk anymore. I don't think I am ugly. I may not be Brad Pitt and I have been called ugly before, but I know different women have different tastes and I have been with women who were attracted to me.

I was in a relationship for seven years before and she got bored with me and kicked me to the curb and I have learned with my mistakes with here what not to do. I will no longer let a woman walk all over me just so she will love me. My girl now loves me for who I am and she finds me attractive (except for my square nose!, lol) and I make her laugh and she loves me for my intellectual capacity and my creativity. She loves me for who I am. That is why I love her and why I will suffer without her for the next two years.

I still don't know why I am still depressed about it. I am bi-polar anyway so there usually isn't a specific reason why I am depressed I am just usually sad or happy for no reason, but today I have a reason. As we speak She is sleeping and has the web cam on so I can watch her sleep and that makes me feel a little better, but then again it makes me wish I was right there sleeping with her. Mixed emotions are a bitch.

In the end I will get over it. Tomorrow is a new day and she will cheer me up again when she wakes up.

Friday, February 13, 2009

My first Diamond at Ciao

I am a writer at a few review sites and well known at two major ones and I put alot of hard work, dedication and passion into most of my reviews. I do these things for several reasons and first and foremost is because I am a perfectionist and like to be the best I can be at everything I do. I like to evolve, expand and exercise my mind. I also put so much effort into it because my work reflects on my character; the kind of person I am. It shows that I take pride in whatever it is I do.

I recently wrote a review at on the Tool album "Ænima" and of course I put everything I had into it. I did it not only because of my pride and wanting to be perfect, but because this band and especially this album mean a great deal in my life. You can read more about that in my review below.

Ciao was my first review site and through all the bullshit and crap that is happening lately it is still my home and none of these idiots are going to chase me off. It is has taught me how to be a good writer; some would say a great writer and I keep getting better with each new review I write (especially about music).

Well, my hard work has finally paid off. The most prestigious award at Ciao is the Diamond. The Diamond is awarded to exceptional reviews that are hand picked by the staff at Ciao every month. Our reviews are rated by our peers and exceptional is the highest rating you can recieve. The staff then determines if the review is actually exceptional or not because many people cheat and give each other high ratings when they really don't deserve it. But there are hundreds of truly exceptional reviews and only 5 of those reviews can receive this highest honor. Along with the award of Diamond you are also awarded a monetary recompense to show you that they appreciate you hard work and skill.

I have finally won my first Diamond! I knew my review was exceptional as many of my others are, but there are many great writers at Ciao who are much more talented than I. Today as I was looking through my reviews to see if someone had hate rated me I was skimming the page and almost didn't see it. I thought I did, but didn't believe it so I scrolled back up the page and there it was! I jumped out of my chair so high I almost feel over I was so happy. My hard work had finally paid off.

Now we don't see our new earnings for the day until the new day arrives so all day I wondered how much. It really was all I could think about all day. Finally the time came and I refreshed my browser to see my new earnings and I had made $15! That's not including money I get from the rates so so far I have made maybe $17 or $18 off of this one review.

I keep using the cliche "I can't believe it", but in all reality I can. I am not as arrogant as some people beleive, but I am a good writer and I put my heart, soul and knowledge into this review. I deserve it and I am glad that other people and Ciao recognize it. Thank you Ciao and all the people who read and rated it.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Apathy for a family members death. Is it wrong?

Today my mothers' brother died and yet I feel very little. My uncle moved to California from Illinois long before I was born and he had only seen me when I was a small baby and never took much interest in my life. I have always wondered about him and asked my family about him and they all tell me he is a drug addict (so are the rest of the people in my family, so they have no room to talk) and that he has done nothing with his life.
I have always thought to myself "why does that matter?". My family does not know how to love even if they do love each other they don't know how to express or show it and it has been hard on me because I am a passionate person who loves my family and I have never felt it has been reciprocated. I love my family unconditionally regardless of the screwed up things they have done to me and I feel I am a very good person. I have always been emotionally (and financially) neglected by my family, living day to day not knowing if I was going to find food or a place to sleep sometimes, but I have never let that affect too much how much I love them. We are all human and all of us are fallible.
As I have said my uncle never showed any interest in me. He never asked about me or tried to call me or get to know me and it is just another reason I have felt abandonded and unwanted. He never made me feel like a burden like the rest of my family, but he just didn't care and that is worse to me. My father never cared if I was alive either and that has brought me down a great deal in my life making me feel unwanted, unneeded and useless and it has has made me hate everyone who doesnt care about their family members and yet inthe end I have changed my mind and love them regardless.
All in all I am apathetic to it and not sure how to deal with it if I ever do start to care. My mom is hurt; they were close when they were kids, but I am having a hard time talking to her because I don't know what to see or if I will say the wrong thing and hurt her more. Am I wrong to not care? It is not that I am bad person adn don't care about people dying, but it is hard for me to feel anything for a person who is family and doesn't care about me. I am trying to care. I am trying to find any emotion, but it just isn't there yet. What is your opinion? Am I heartless?

Friday, January 9, 2009

My view of Tool's album ÆNIMA

Having been more than just an avid Tool fan since I was was 15 or so and their second album "Undertow" already being my favorite album, I was more than eager and estatic to hear the 1997 release of Tool's third highly anticpated album "ÆNIMA". I was an angry kid and the angst and seriousness that "Undertow" and the first album "Opiate" had conveyed and expressed so beautifully was an escape for me; a portal to a world where someone understood how I felt and to place where someone was not just angry and frustrated, but reasonable, logical and pragmatic at the same time. It was a place I could go to help me believe and have faith that there were others out there just like me that had the same mind, the same conciousness and the same hope that I could be better than I was through determination and an iron will. It taught me at a young age that only through learning and teaching myself as much as I could, could I become better than I was and in turm feel better about myself and make fewer mistakes in life by being well prepared and informed.

I heard "Undertow" in 1993 and I was more than content with the album, but I had always knew that they had better in them. I knew that they were exceptional people who wrote exceptional music and that the two previous albums were flawed gems waiting to be polished into perfect jewels. On October 1stof 1996 Tool released their third (second full length) album called "ÆNIMA" and it changed the face of music in my eyes forever. I had found the one thing I needed that I had no idea could exist and it changed how I would view life in general forever.

It has been said that the name of the album is a mix between two words. One is 'anima'; which, is Latin for 'soul' or what some would consider a "life stream" or "life force" like the concept in Final Fantasy 7's "life stream" where when we die all of our souls come together as one to create energy. The second is the word 'enema' which of course the medical term for anal cleansing, but the overall idea and expression of the album was the cleansing of the soul and/or mind. It is also a term to express how in order to understand the album as a whole in its mathematical and symbalistic complexity one needs to attain a hightened awareness and understanding, but yet all the while helping you to gain what you need to understand. Solution.

As with any Tool album it expressed a lot of anger and frustration and although this album seem to be the most angry of all it had an underlying message of hope that we can better ourselves and releive our ignorance through mental, emotional and spiritual evolution by looking into ourselves and having a sort of an enlightenment or illumination. By knowing ourselves truly and thoroughly we can waste less time processing information and come to a definative and logical answer without letting uneccesary emotional barriers effect the conclusion. In this album sometimes the message is hidden and metaphorical, but to me it made me try harder to understand and the best path to me is the hardest earned. Makes for a true understanding.

Musically this album was incredibally evolved. The first bands I compared it to when I first listened to it were Pink Floyd, Led Zeppelin and Rush all of which were pioneers fo their genre, taking musical skill to a whole other level mathematically, harmonically and melodically. The previous albums were great of course, but it was "Aenima" that showed the world what they could do. This album had several very long songs with the longest "My Third Eye" being 13 minutes and 47 seconds and still never a boring moment leading you on a journey the whole time making you forget that time exists.

Songs and my interpretations:

'Stinkfist' 5:11
This song starts the album off with a cool smooth flowing guitar lead in that sets the rythym for the whole song. Many have mistaken this song is about anal fisiting and it couldn't come anywhere near the truth. It as about drug addiction and the battle that addicts put themselves through and yet they want it and need it and love it. It is about hurting yourself to the point of numbness and finally it is all you see and know. It can be compared to a person in an abusive relationship who has always been abused adn it is all they know and they wouldn't know how to live with out it. It is about trusting the thing that hurts you the most.

"Eulogy" 8:28
Of course the christians are automatically pissed of at this song if they don't listen to what he is saying. Here Maynard speaks of a person who spends their life preaching to everyone about what they are doing wrong and yet all the while they are the worst one of all. These people tend to say that their devotion and love is concrete enough to martyr themselves for people and yet when it comes that time to die or suffer their stories change and excuses start to flow. But the underlying meaning here is about Maynards step father who professed his love and goodness to his mother and him all the while raping and molesting Maynard. It is a about hypocrites in general.

"H" 6:07
This is a song Maynard doesn't play much live because it is a horrible reminder of the atrocities he was exposed to as a child by his step father. It expresses that although Maynards intentions are good to his son and wife, ocasionally he finds himself unintentionally hurting them; not physically, but mentally and this song for him in his mind keeps him on the right track. The song on the album if for us while the song he sings is for himself alone.

"Useful Idiot" 0:38
Short intermission of a record player scratching leading into the next song. Sounds uninteresting, but when you hear how it leads into the next song you will see the brilliance of it.

"46 & 2" 6:04
This quite possibly one Tool's greatest songs in every way. This is pretty much the theme of the album about growing mentally and spiritually and reaching that next level of evolution. Expanding our conciousness. It is believed that humans evolve in 3 levels each having it's own kind of conciousness. The first kind was primative man who could not think outside of themselves. This kind had 44 chromosones. The second kind is us and we have 46 chomosones. Our equilibrium of conciousness is not quite stable yet and this is just the middle of our journey to the third level: "46 & 2"; the '2' being the 2 sex chromosones for male and female or "x" and "y". This level should be our final destination or our highest level of conciousness. And yet "46 & 2 are just ahead of me".

"Message to Harry Manback" 1:53
This is a recording of a phone answering message someone got and it is an Italian sounding guy talking crazy violent crap and threatening someone who is basically unknown to me, but Maynard has supposedly put his name as the acronym of the title of this song. It fits perfectly with the mood of the next song.

"Hooker with a Penis" 4:33
This song is about Maynard meeting this young punk who had the balls to sit and tell him that because he made money off of his records and took advantage of the market the Tool were sell outs. Anyone who actually listens to Tool knows that they only write music because they love it, but yet this guy was hating Tool so much for supposedly selling out, but he bought and listened to it himslef and this was just an angry song from maynard telling the kid to f*** off. It is better to express anger through music than through real life... I do. I love this song!

"Intermission" 0:56
A short intermission. Just maynards happier side this was put in as a pleasant joke. No lyrics.

"jimmy" 5:24
Maynard James Keenans real name is James Hubert Keenan and as a child was known as jimmy; expressing the 'j' as lower case to signify the time in his life as a little boy. WHen he was a eleven years old is when is step father came in to his life and mentally tore him away from his mother with his abuse. It is about his mother being his guiding light to find his way back home. This is one my favorite overall Tool songs and has an incredible climatic ending.

"Die Eier von Satan" 2:17
"the eggs (or balls) of satan"
This was a psychological test of sorts for fun. It is a man speaking in german and it sound like some evil speaker like Adolf Hitler speaking real angrily. What the guy was speaking was actually the recipe for some food item. It tested to see how many people would accuse them for being evil satan worshippers without even reseaching to see what was being said. Persecution without investigation as was popular to the religious inquisitors.

"Pushit" 9:55
One of my favorite songs as well. This song is about someone who all they know is abuse and they can't seem to live any other way and so being beat on is comfortable to them and if it doesn't happen to them they have trouble functioning because they are taken from their natural envirement. It is partially about someone ruining everything good in their life on purpose because they don't of any other way to function. It has both meanings to me.

"Cesaro Summability" 1:26
This is like an intermission, has a baby cryin in it. Cesaro Summability is some kind of mathematics thing about infinite series of sums coinciding, but I'm not too sure about it yet. Here it is part of the evolution of the album.

"Ænema" 6:39
I couldn't wait to write this part and alot of Californians are going to hate me and call me an idiot, but so be it, this is how I see it. This is Maynard praying for California to fall of into the ocean. As I have always felt, California, especially southern Califrnia is the most trendy superfical fake part of the world; especially L.A. and Hollywood and because of hollywood it spreads it's culture through films and media and it infects the rest of the world causing young easily pursuaded kids to care more about fashion and trend than the things that are more important in life. There are many things he complains about in this album, but I feel he has the most pragmatic solution, "Learn to swim". LOL This is my anthem seeing that I am from U.S. and ashamed that California is part of our Union. I don't blame all Californians and especially not Northern Californians, but there is more good than bad.

"(-) Ions" 4:00
This is a long fill in intermission that is good to meditate to. It sounds like cracking electricity in a lab or something and is just hypnotizing.

... and to the culmination of what Tool adn this album is about...

"Third Eye" 13:47
Yes this is partially where I get the name fo rmy Tool fan site "My Third Eye" which is my evolution and illumination. This is the idea that there are unseen truths and subtleties that we can't see with our normal vision. We have to see with our third eye or our minds eye to experience some sort of enlightenment such as that of Bhudda's and so on. Our journey to reaching a spiritual higher conciousness is only sought through this is and we have to clear the cob webs from our eye to truly see the light. We close ourselves tooo much to the true visions of truth that are really there."Prying open my third eye".

If you have come this far thank you for reading and I hope that you have enjoyed this journey. It has been a great one for me.

Monday, January 5, 2009

Cross browser coding tips.

First of all let me say that I am not going to teach you how to cross browser code here. I am going to show you the best way to chose in what order is best to code so that you don't have to make as many changes; going back and forth and testing and so forth and so on.

Any web designer knows that cross browser coding is a bitch. We would loved to think that the cross browser wars will end soon, but as a browser company fixes one thing to be compatible with the other browsers it changes something else and then there is a whole new problem.

You code for the browsers as such: Firefox and Opera (both Mozilla) are about the same, Google Chrome and Apple Safari are about the same and then finally Internet Explorer all by its' lonesome.

The best way to start a project in my opinion is to code for Firefox/Opera first and then make your hack fixes for IE and Chrome/Safari later. The only problem with this is that FF isn't 100% the same as it's sister Opera and Chrome isn't exactly the same as as Safari. So now we have to pick one of the two that is most important: Do we sacrifice FF for Opera? Or Opera for FF? Unfortunately FF is far more used than Opera so FF is the winner. Do we sacrifice Chrome for Safari or Vice versa? Well on this I'm not 100% sure because even though more people use Windows than Mac, Apple's Safari is on both operating systems and Chrome is alot newer than Safari, so it is a toss up. I would say code for Chrome, because I am somewhat anti-Apple. My main problem I find is that relative positioning is off by 1px in both situations.
Coding for IE's is a whole different ball game. You have to code for both IE7 and IE6 which I hate.

IE7 luckily has its own seperate style sheet, but when coding for IE6 and all the other browsers you need to use the Lite Pacific Hack. You can use that hack for IE7 as well, but I prefer the to ise IE7's own style sheet (call it ie.css, I do) which can be linked to your html in your head section with this line of code:

< ! - -[if IE]>
< rel="stylesheet" href="ie.css" type="text/css">
< ! [endif]- - >

remove spaces in between < ! - - and - - > above.

What happens here is that when the browser parses the code it will check to see what browser is parsing and if it is IE7 then it use styles and rules from the ie.css instead of the normal style sheet. If it is not IE7 then it uses the normal code.

There are many debates on whether cross browser hacks are useful or not and I say they are, just don't waste your time thinking it is the only solution, these hacks can cuase more problems than fixes if you aren't 100% what you are doing; even the most seasoned coder can have problems in this area. Always look for non-hack solutions first and when all else fails...

Some coders think they are slick for figuring out hacks, thinking they are so smart and then they use hacks in all their code making their page files large with alot of sloppy code that isn't necessary. Make your page as small and clean as possible so that your page loads fast. To learn how to use the Lite Pacific hack click the link above. The rest is up to you, if you aren't already quite fluent in CSS then this article is too advanced for you know and you should bookmark me (ctrl+d) and come back later. Any questions? Leave a comment and email address.

Thursday, January 1, 2009

What being agnostic means to me.

To me being agnostic means that I spend every day of my life learning. Every second I am awake I try to learn something whether it be trivial or essential to living my life. Being agnostic to me means that I am open minded enough to accept that anything is possible, but at the same time be wise enough to use logic and reason to evaluate those things which aren't likely to happen. And if with my conclusions I come to a point of disbelief, not by facts, but with educated intellectual thought process, then I will still be wise enough to admit that my belief could be wrong and be open minded enough to consider others theories and ideas.

There are several dictionaries with various defintions, but they all say about the same thing. They say that an agnostic is a person who neither believes nor disbelieves in a god or gods. It says they simply do not know. In a way the dictionaries are right. The root word of 'agnostic' is 'gnosis', which, is Greek for 'knowledge' or 'to know'. The prefix 'a-' means 'to be against' or a negative like 'to not'. The word 'agnostic simply means 'to not know'. Yet someone, and I don't know who, but at some point in time someone grabbed that word and made it their own meaning, associating it with religion and god when it really has nothing to do with god.  Anyone who is willing to admit that they don't know something is also a person who is willing to learn and better themselves. It is someone who spends their life learning as much as they can to evolve... evolve their minds and spirituality. Evolve whatever part of themselves that needs improvement, and we all need improvement. 

On the subjects that can't be proven like a god/s, heaven and hell, why are we so apt to think we are right? Who knows who is right? If there isn't a definitive proof then why do we force that idea upon others? Why are there so many differents sects of religion and why do most of these sects want to fight each other? Why do we believe so strongly in these things that we have no proof of and get angry or frustrated at others who don't believe the things we do? All this has done through out time is cause difference of opinions which causes arguements which causes feuds and in turn causes wars.

When we can easily admit that we don't know something we can move on past that and learn it instead of holding ourselves back by thinking we know everything; thinking we are right in our beliefs. We can not evolve intellectually, mentally or spiritually when we are closed minded. When we can't accept that we are wrong. 

To me being agnostic means that I am evolving. It means that I am expanding my intellectual capacity and it means that I am accelerating my thought process. It means that I don't waste my time building barriers of disbelief and unreasonableness. When we are flexible we may bend far, but we will never break and we will bounce back stronger than ever. 

This is what being agnostic is to me. This is my mind and my journey and it will continue.....