Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hmm, went to my first appointment at a psychiatrist today. I am not crazy; at least I don't think I am, I am just an extremely emotional person who has had trouble controlling my temper in my distant past. I tend to be very defensive and I don't take shit from anyone and I am quick to put someone in their place if they get out of line with me. I have been around criminals and evil people my whole life and I never really wanted to be like any of them, but sometimes you have to conform to the ways of those around you if you want to survive in your environment. Can't really just get up and leave, I really have no where to go that isn't the same sort of environment. People who ask me why I don't leave don't realize that it isn't so simple. Some people don't have alot of options. So we do what we have to do to get along.

I have been very violent in my life, especially when I was a kid. The majority of it was protecting myself, but some of it I enjoyed when beating the shit out of some smart ass who started talking shit to me for no reason. I havn't been violent in the last 5 years ago because I stay away from people. I am not so much anti-social as I am intolerant to ignorance and stupity. I like alot of people, but most of them are people I have met online. It almost seems not real sometimes. I get on here and meet pleasant, loving and caring people and it is something I am not used to and something you don't see in most parts of the world so it tends to seem unbelievable at times and I have to remind myself constantly that it is real. I know there are good people out there. I tell myself that and it gives me some sort of hope at times. It doesn't help my everyday real life, where most people outside my door are scandalous and conniving and will rob you just because they can.

So I have started to go to a psychiatrist hoping that they can do something. I have never believed in school trained therapists. I understand the human psyche far better than anyone who is from the suburbs who has never had to deal with real people. Sorry if you think I am wrong, but when living in the ghetto you see what is real. You see the depths of the best and worst of people. In the suburbs most people mask there real feelings to conform to what other people want them to be so that they keep their environment nice and safe, but in the ghetto there is no need for masks. People are real. The masks that they do have are temporary and for short scandals, but it doesn't last long. In the suburbs it lasts lifetimes. Having said all this I am trying to see if there is a psychiatrist out there who is a natural therapist and not just school trained. There is nothing they have learned in any book that they can tell me or do to help me. These people have to be real and they have to truly understand what I am going through to actually help me get better. I am giving them a chance, which is something I would have never done before, but I am getting to a point in my life where I don't know how much longer I can hold on and I am desperate to get help. I am begging for someone to understand and help me be happy and love other people.

I don't like being alone. I am not completely alone, I have a few people online who love me and care about me, but they are not right here where I need them to be. I don't know why I am writing this other than I need to get these things off of my chest.

They diagnosed me today with Dysthymic Disorder, which you can read about here: http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-md04.html. They are somewhat close. I think the lady I seen was a bit geniune. It just may be too early to do a real diagnosis though. I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar before.

The only thing that keeps me sane and somewhat on track and out of trouble is my high IQ and my intellectual capacity to want to learn and want to be right in the head. I have an iron will; otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago.

Well, only time will tell what will happen and I have another appointment next Monday so we will see how that goes.


Ranran said...

It's true that you see the harsh reality in the ghetto and I've seen that. There are a lot of ghetto areas here in the Philippines and reality slapped me hard in the face back when I thought that life is all about sunshine, white fluffy clouds and rainbows. I learned a lot and I'm pretty sure I will learn more. I want to know more. I NEED to learn more. Ignorance is not an excuse for stupidity.

Good day and I hope your next session will do just fine.

Mara said...

Ooooh, I love and care for you Ian! :D
I agree with you, most people I have met online are good people and I really enjoyed talking to them (including you) when I get the time or when I'm not feeling so down and just sulking around.
I am also thinking of going to a psychiatrist but I'm still looking for one. Sometimes I just end up diagnosing myself, doing readings and stuff but I still want to get a professional opinion.
So there.