Sunday, March 29, 2009

Up in arms

Was reading reviews at Ciao today and read a review of one of my favorite older albums from Foo Fighters called "The colour and the shape". I hadn't listened to it in a couple of years and downloaded it and remembered some of my favorite songs of all times are on this album. "Up in arms" is one of those and is now my backround song for this blog. Hope you like it.

The song is short, about 2 minutes and 15 seconds. The first 1/3 of the song is slow and soft and the it speeds up to a good melody.

I am usually pretty good at evaluating and interpreting songs and music as anyone who reads my albums reviews at Ciao knows, but I have always had trouble understanding this song. Here are the lyrics:

"Up in arms" - Foo Fighters

The rain is here and you, my dear,
Are still my friend
It's true the two of us are back as one again
I was the one who left you
Always coming back I cannot forget you girl
Now I am up in arms again
Together now I don't know how this love could end
My lonely heart it falls apart again
For you to mend
I was the one who left you
Always coming back I cannot forget you girl
Now I am up in arms again

On one hand "Up in arms" means being on the defense. It means getting your gun and being ready for anything ot happen. On the other hand this song sounds like he is in her arms again and he shouldn't have left her in the first place. I don't know. Maybe he is on defense to not lose her again, but it was his fault for leaving her in the first place. Please tell me what you think.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hmm, went to my first appointment at a psychiatrist today. I am not crazy; at least I don't think I am, I am just an extremely emotional person who has had trouble controlling my temper in my distant past. I tend to be very defensive and I don't take shit from anyone and I am quick to put someone in their place if they get out of line with me. I have been around criminals and evil people my whole life and I never really wanted to be like any of them, but sometimes you have to conform to the ways of those around you if you want to survive in your environment. Can't really just get up and leave, I really have no where to go that isn't the same sort of environment. People who ask me why I don't leave don't realize that it isn't so simple. Some people don't have alot of options. So we do what we have to do to get along.

I have been very violent in my life, especially when I was a kid. The majority of it was protecting myself, but some of it I enjoyed when beating the shit out of some smart ass who started talking shit to me for no reason. I havn't been violent in the last 5 years ago because I stay away from people. I am not so much anti-social as I am intolerant to ignorance and stupity. I like alot of people, but most of them are people I have met online. It almost seems not real sometimes. I get on here and meet pleasant, loving and caring people and it is something I am not used to and something you don't see in most parts of the world so it tends to seem unbelievable at times and I have to remind myself constantly that it is real. I know there are good people out there. I tell myself that and it gives me some sort of hope at times. It doesn't help my everyday real life, where most people outside my door are scandalous and conniving and will rob you just because they can.

So I have started to go to a psychiatrist hoping that they can do something. I have never believed in school trained therapists. I understand the human psyche far better than anyone who is from the suburbs who has never had to deal with real people. Sorry if you think I am wrong, but when living in the ghetto you see what is real. You see the depths of the best and worst of people. In the suburbs most people mask there real feelings to conform to what other people want them to be so that they keep their environment nice and safe, but in the ghetto there is no need for masks. People are real. The masks that they do have are temporary and for short scandals, but it doesn't last long. In the suburbs it lasts lifetimes. Having said all this I am trying to see if there is a psychiatrist out there who is a natural therapist and not just school trained. There is nothing they have learned in any book that they can tell me or do to help me. These people have to be real and they have to truly understand what I am going through to actually help me get better. I am giving them a chance, which is something I would have never done before, but I am getting to a point in my life where I don't know how much longer I can hold on and I am desperate to get help. I am begging for someone to understand and help me be happy and love other people.

I don't like being alone. I am not completely alone, I have a few people online who love me and care about me, but they are not right here where I need them to be. I don't know why I am writing this other than I need to get these things off of my chest.

They diagnosed me today with Dysthymic Disorder, which you can read about here: http://www.mentalhealth.com/dis/p20-md04.html. They are somewhat close. I think the lady I seen was a bit geniune. It just may be too early to do a real diagnosis though. I have been diagnosed with Bi-Polar before.

The only thing that keeps me sane and somewhat on track and out of trouble is my high IQ and my intellectual capacity to want to learn and want to be right in the head. I have an iron will; otherwise I would have been dead a long time ago.

Well, only time will tell what will happen and I have another appointment next Monday so we will see how that goes.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Boring

Life has been boring for me lately. I am spending alot of time trying to hone my web and graphic design skills and I am getting burn out, but I can't slow down. There is always something I need to do; something I need to learn. Really it is my OCD that makes go non stop. I start to learn on ething and then I see 3 more things I want to learn while learning the first thing and so I write them down and when I am done learning the first thing I just have to go and learn the other three things. The problem is when I get into the next thing I find even more stuff I want to learn and so I write those things down and just have to go learn them. It is a snever ending cycle. On one hand I love it. I love to learn everything. I hate not knowing something and it makes me feel good to learn. On the other hand I hate it. I am never satisfied with how much I know and I will never be. It also makes me arrogant at times and I am rude to people who aren't so intelligent. I don't try to be that way, but I get annoyed by people when they don't know some things that are quite basic to me and they have know idea what I am talking about and it is quite frustrating.

I am bored because nothing surprises me or is amazing to me. I understand everything I see woithout even trying and I can imagine anything. Some people think that is a curse because it doesn't excite me to be alive. I find nothing special about humans, this planet or even the universe. It may be because I understand things in a broader aspect than most others, I don't know. The only thing that has ever really excited me or amazed me in life is music and even it has lessened its affect on me. I understand music all too well now as anyone who reads my reviews at Ciao knows. I get short amounts of pleasure from playing video games, but soo get bored with those too.

I need something to get excited about. The things that most people get excited about are way too simple for me. My girl is always loving me and then hating me and it seems like for no reason at all. She hates me at the moment because I won't give her 100% of my time and I just can't do that. Beside's, she is 8000 miles away. No matter, she went to Qatar to a new job and I won't talk to her much from now on. I don't know if it is going to work and we are always splitting up so it is like we are not even together anymore. I need something in my life, anything at all.

Maybe I am just depressed. Wait, no I am always depressed. I know that I am not amazed by things, but I can always find enjoyable way to occupy my time, but lately it just isn't satisfying. I don't know what to do. I am not the suicidal type, although I do tend to talk shit to some of the most dangerous people in the state of Illinois and they just let me live. I think most of them just think I am a crazy guy and they respect me for that or they think I am not worth their energy to have me killed. Makes me think I am invincible at times. Sometimes I just don't care. If I die, I die; if I live, I live. Doesn't really matter to anyone. We are all just grains of sand in a vast ocean of a never ending spiral. Spiral out. Keep on going...

Hmmm... This is what happens when I think about writing. I write because I hate to write so I do it to perfect myself. If you can do something you hate and have trouble with and you can do it very well then you can conquer anything. I am a perfectionist and hate not being able to do something so I just keep doing it utnil I have it just perfect. I will never have writing perfect since it is an art and not a science and can never be perfect. Guess I'll be writing forever then...

I have never been the type of person to be bored ever in my life until now. I have always found something enjoyable to do no matter where I was. Even when I was in prison I could always find something to do to enjoy my time. I would read, watch my t.v. and listen to my walkman and the days just seemed to fly by. 2 years in prison just felt like 2 months...

I am still bored. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this much. I would be eager to get to doing something else, but it isn't the case so i keep blabbering on... Maybe I'll feel better soon. Maybe I'll get a job... LOL yeah right like that will happen in the U.S. with another 1000 lay offs scheduled in my city in the next 2 months.