Friday, March 13, 2009

Boring

Life has been boring for me lately. I am spending alot of time trying to hone my web and graphic design skills and I am getting burn out, but I can't slow down. There is always something I need to do; something I need to learn. Really it is my OCD that makes go non stop. I start to learn on ething and then I see 3 more things I want to learn while learning the first thing and so I write them down and when I am done learning the first thing I just have to go and learn the other three things. The problem is when I get into the next thing I find even more stuff I want to learn and so I write those things down and just have to go learn them. It is a snever ending cycle. On one hand I love it. I love to learn everything. I hate not knowing something and it makes me feel good to learn. On the other hand I hate it. I am never satisfied with how much I know and I will never be. It also makes me arrogant at times and I am rude to people who aren't so intelligent. I don't try to be that way, but I get annoyed by people when they don't know some things that are quite basic to me and they have know idea what I am talking about and it is quite frustrating.

I am bored because nothing surprises me or is amazing to me. I understand everything I see woithout even trying and I can imagine anything. Some people think that is a curse because it doesn't excite me to be alive. I find nothing special about humans, this planet or even the universe. It may be because I understand things in a broader aspect than most others, I don't know. The only thing that has ever really excited me or amazed me in life is music and even it has lessened its affect on me. I understand music all too well now as anyone who reads my reviews at Ciao knows. I get short amounts of pleasure from playing video games, but soo get bored with those too.

I need something to get excited about. The things that most people get excited about are way too simple for me. My girl is always loving me and then hating me and it seems like for no reason at all. She hates me at the moment because I won't give her 100% of my time and I just can't do that. Beside's, she is 8000 miles away. No matter, she went to Qatar to a new job and I won't talk to her much from now on. I don't know if it is going to work and we are always splitting up so it is like we are not even together anymore. I need something in my life, anything at all.

Maybe I am just depressed. Wait, no I am always depressed. I know that I am not amazed by things, but I can always find enjoyable way to occupy my time, but lately it just isn't satisfying. I don't know what to do. I am not the suicidal type, although I do tend to talk shit to some of the most dangerous people in the state of Illinois and they just let me live. I think most of them just think I am a crazy guy and they respect me for that or they think I am not worth their energy to have me killed. Makes me think I am invincible at times. Sometimes I just don't care. If I die, I die; if I live, I live. Doesn't really matter to anyone. We are all just grains of sand in a vast ocean of a never ending spiral. Spiral out. Keep on going...

Hmmm... This is what happens when I think about writing. I write because I hate to write so I do it to perfect myself. If you can do something you hate and have trouble with and you can do it very well then you can conquer anything. I am a perfectionist and hate not being able to do something so I just keep doing it utnil I have it just perfect. I will never have writing perfect since it is an art and not a science and can never be perfect. Guess I'll be writing forever then...

I have never been the type of person to be bored ever in my life until now. I have always found something enjoyable to do no matter where I was. Even when I was in prison I could always find something to do to enjoy my time. I would read, watch my t.v. and listen to my walkman and the days just seemed to fly by. 2 years in prison just felt like 2 months...

I am still bored. Otherwise I wouldn't be writing this much. I would be eager to get to doing something else, but it isn't the case so i keep blabbering on... Maybe I'll feel better soon. Maybe I'll get a job... LOL yeah right like that will happen in the U.S. with another 1000 lay offs scheduled in my city in the next 2 months.

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