Saturday, January 10, 2009

Apathy for a family members death. Is it wrong?

Today my mothers' brother died and yet I feel very little. My uncle moved to California from Illinois long before I was born and he had only seen me when I was a small baby and never took much interest in my life. I have always wondered about him and asked my family about him and they all tell me he is a drug addict (so are the rest of the people in my family, so they have no room to talk) and that he has done nothing with his life.
I have always thought to myself "why does that matter?". My family does not know how to love even if they do love each other they don't know how to express or show it and it has been hard on me because I am a passionate person who loves my family and I have never felt it has been reciprocated. I love my family unconditionally regardless of the screwed up things they have done to me and I feel I am a very good person. I have always been emotionally (and financially) neglected by my family, living day to day not knowing if I was going to find food or a place to sleep sometimes, but I have never let that affect too much how much I love them. We are all human and all of us are fallible.
As I have said my uncle never showed any interest in me. He never asked about me or tried to call me or get to know me and it is just another reason I have felt abandonded and unwanted. He never made me feel like a burden like the rest of my family, but he just didn't care and that is worse to me. My father never cared if I was alive either and that has brought me down a great deal in my life making me feel unwanted, unneeded and useless and it has has made me hate everyone who doesnt care about their family members and yet inthe end I have changed my mind and love them regardless.
All in all I am apathetic to it and not sure how to deal with it if I ever do start to care. My mom is hurt; they were close when they were kids, but I am having a hard time talking to her because I don't know what to see or if I will say the wrong thing and hurt her more. Am I wrong to not care? It is not that I am bad person adn don't care about people dying, but it is hard for me to feel anything for a person who is family and doesn't care about me. I am trying to care. I am trying to find any emotion, but it just isn't there yet. What is your opinion? Am I heartless?


Anonymous said...

I believe you read the poem that I wrote about my mother when she died but what you don't know is that it was written from the perspective of a daughter who wanted so much the approval of her mother.My life was spent trying to be that which she would have of me because I so desperately needed her approval.My words of lack and love were written more for my brothers and sisters than myself.Although she has been dead for 8 years I don't miss her.I don't hate her and always loved her but I never missed her.I think that I was more relieved than anything else.I could finally let old wounds die.I needed her so much but her attention was not for me but my brothers and sisters.I don't feel guilty because I was the best Clarice that I knew how to be with the information that life gave me.I gave her flowers during her life so there were no regrets during her death.I'm not sure if this is to help you or me,maybe it's for the both of us.

potrish78 said...

Actually I understand exactly how you feel. Like you my uncle died march of last year followed by my Aunt's death just a few months after that. I don't know exactly what to feel cuz I know I wasn't hurt as much compared to the death of one of my peers. My Uncle and Aunt were the ones who financed my college tuition fees. But I don't feel strongly about their deaths unlike my father who have been miserable for quite a while. I can't say that I don't care because I do. But not to the point that I would shed tears on their wakes. I didn't get to attend my Uncle's wake cuz it was in the states and I'm here in the Philippines. When my cousin told me about his death, I was more worried of how I am going to tell my dad because they are so close to each other and I know it will really break his heart.

I think it's just normal not to feel anything for the death of someone who has never been close to you but it does not necessarily mean that you are a bad person or that you don't care at all. You just don't have the stimulus to feel any emotion whatsoever. That's just that. Nothing more, nothing less.

But I am glad to hear that although you have been neglected by your own family, you still love them unconditionally. I sometimes wonder how people like you have so much love to give when in fact you have been deprived of love and affection. It's amazing!

Mara said...

I don't think you're heartless. I think it's normal for someone who felt neglected to actually be "indifferent" towards those who made them feel that way but it's great that you still love them, family would always be family no matter what. :)

Anny said...

NO. You are not heartless, Ian. You just need more attention, love and affection.