Today my mothers' brother died and yet I feel very little. My uncle moved to California from Illinois long before I was born and he had only seen me when I was a small baby and never took much interest in my life. I have always wondered about him and asked my family about him and they all tell me he is a drug addict (so are the rest of the people in my family, so they have no room to talk) and that he has done nothing with his life.
I have always thought to myself "why does that matter?". My family does not know how to love even if they do love each other they don't know how to express or show it and it has been hard on me because I am a passionate person who loves my family and I have never felt it has been reciprocated. I love my family unconditionally regardless of the screwed up things they have done to me and I feel I am a very good person. I have always been emotionally (and financially) neglected by my family, living day to day not knowing if I was going to find food or a place to sleep sometimes, but I have never let that affect too much how much I love them. We are all human and all of us are fallible.
As I have said my uncle never showed any interest in me. He never asked about me or tried to call me or get to know me and it is just another reason I have felt abandonded and unwanted. He never made me feel like a burden like the rest of my family, but he just didn't care and that is worse to me. My father never cared if I was alive either and that has brought me down a great deal in my life making me feel unwanted, unneeded and useless and it has has made me hate everyone who doesnt care about their family members and yet inthe end I have changed my mind and love them regardless.
All in all I am apathetic to it and not sure how to deal with it if I ever do start to care. My mom is hurt; they were close when they were kids, but I am having a hard time talking to her because I don't know what to see or if I will say the wrong thing and hurt her more. Am I wrong to not care? It is not that I am bad person adn don't care about people dying, but it is hard for me to feel anything for a person who is family and doesn't care about me. I am trying to care. I am trying to find any emotion, but it just isn't there yet. What is your opinion? Am I heartless?