Saturday, February 14, 2009

Depressed on Valentines day.

I have been very depressed today. It is Valentines day and I am in a long distance relationship with a beautiful, intelligent and caring woman from the Philippines and so I can't kiss her or hold her and it is making me very upset. I don't know why. It is frustrating most days anyway, but for some reason because it is a holiday it is reminding me of what I am missing.

I am a person who really doesn't believe Valentines Day is a real holiday because we should celebrate our love for our partner everyday of the year. I guess I am saying everyday should be Valentines Day. It is just a commercialized way to exploit money from people for something that should already be celebrated without having to spend money. Do we need to be reminded that we love someone? If we do then we truly don't love that person.

Some people might wonder why I am with my girl. She is on the other side of the planet in the Philippines and I am in Decatur, Illinois, over 8000 miles away. I will not be able to be with her for another 2 years. What's even crazier is that we are two totally different kinds of people with totally different personalities. Through all this I love her more than anyone I have ever loved in my life. I know she loves me for various reasons that only me and her know about. For me I love the fact that she is kind, caring, completely genuine, beautiful, sexy and incredibly intelligent.

All of the American women I have been with are evil, scandalous or just plain dumb. Most women here care about if you have a car or how much money you make. It is so sad how superficial most women are here. There may be good faithful women here and there may be women here who are not superficial, but I haven't met many. The ones I have met either aren't attracted to me or I don't know what the problem is. I don't drive I think is the biggest problem and I choose not to and if they don't like it then screw them. I am not going to change something that is an important part of my life just to be with someone. I may drive one day (I do know how), but it will be because I have got old and lazy and don't want to walk anymore. I don't think I am ugly. I may not be Brad Pitt and I have been called ugly before, but I know different women have different tastes and I have been with women who were attracted to me.

I was in a relationship for seven years before and she got bored with me and kicked me to the curb and I have learned with my mistakes with here what not to do. I will no longer let a woman walk all over me just so she will love me. My girl now loves me for who I am and she finds me attractive (except for my square nose!, lol) and I make her laugh and she loves me for my intellectual capacity and my creativity. She loves me for who I am. That is why I love her and why I will suffer without her for the next two years.

I still don't know why I am still depressed about it. I am bi-polar anyway so there usually isn't a specific reason why I am depressed I am just usually sad or happy for no reason, but today I have a reason. As we speak She is sleeping and has the web cam on so I can watch her sleep and that makes me feel a little better, but then again it makes me wish I was right there sleeping with her. Mixed emotions are a bitch.

In the end I will get over it. Tomorrow is a new day and she will cheer me up again when she wakes up.

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